Date with Imperfection

I went on a Valentine's date with my husband on Friday night. It was a great date......full of laughter, really great food, my favorite companion, and my children were at the babysitters (every mother everywhere slightly cheers inside at that last statement). Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children - they are amazing little humans, but I love them better when I get a chance to be with my husband at Mai Thai restaurant with coffee in hand every couple of months. It's a proven science. Plus, my parents always told me from my earliest growing up years, that after I married the man God would gift me with, I needed to remember to continue to date him - because everything goes down when mommy and daddy aren't in love with each other. Word.

So the evening was probably one of my favorites with my husband. This last week my emotions have been a bit raw. Okay, for the last year they have been raw, but that's for a post down the road entitled, "Talking Yourself Out Of Ministry In Four Steps", followed by the next post which will be called, "But God Still Calls". 

My husband drove up to the train depot which looks out over the beautifully lit downtown Boise. The cloudy night sky was glowing a bit from the city lights. Chris turned to me and asked, "So, what do you want to do with our lives?". A funny and completely perfect question for me that evening. Hilarious, because we're doing exactly what God has birthed in our hearts over the last 5 years, and equally daunting, because there was some digging that my husband was asking me to do within myself. 

I chuckled. Then I started to cry.

Simple tears, not too quickly....but just enough. No ugly cry for this conversation, but the kind of tears that were from deep within, from a guarded place. 

"I don't know.....(25 minutes of talking all of this through with him)...But I know He can use my overwhelming imperfections for something in the Kingdom." I told him about my earlier time with Jesus that day. I had left the house after he had come home from his run - he had the day off, which was a blessing. I needed to go be by myself. I knew hormones were not helping my state of mind, and I needed to be okay by the time our date came, so I needed to get away with my Creator - because Jesus always makes things better. Although sometimes He just makes thing more complicated - can I get an Amen?! 

I had stolen away to Starbucks, because coffee is one of my love languages, and Jesus speaks to me pretty well in that language. So as I sat and opened His Word (the Bible), I told Him I didn't know where to read. I had been reading in Isaiah, but I had only been reading there because that was the next book in line - I was reading through the Bible. But I didn't want to read there anymore, and that meant that I wasn't going to finish reading through the Bible in the right order. *Back Story - my parents are amazing people, and taught my brother and I from a young age to dig into God's Word. It's a beautiful and amazing story of God's grace and love for us, and how deeply humanity fights His grace and love, but really should just realize the depth of His grace and love, and receive and embrace it. It really is amazing. Anyway, my parents had us reading through the Bible every year from a very young age. If you do 2 chapters in the Old Testament and 1 in the New Testament, it gets you through in 1 year. However, when you add that rhythm or discipline into a radically over-responsible person (me), it becomes a rule....and rules become daunting and legalistic, and sometimes even, well, ugh.....

Here I sat with my Bible opened to Isaiah. I started to journal. And it was the raw kind of journaling - "I am terrible at this, Lord. I cannot do this. I'm doing nothing well - not parenting, not wife-ing, not ministry, not any of it. Please help me." That kind of journaling. 

So I closed the book of Isaiah, and did what any good Christian does - the flip trick - you just open the Bible and wherever it opens is where you read. Yep, I know, you've done that too. It's okay. He still speaks. 

So guess where I flipped it - to 2 Samuel chapter 11. It's the part of the book where David, who is currently the king, ends up sleeping with Bathsheba, a beautiful already-married woman, and he gets her pregnant. Long story short, king David has her husband killed in battle because David knows he's totally messed up, and he needs to cover his tracks. The thing is, you can't hide your junk from THE KING. Just sayin'. After she's grieved for her husband, king David has her brought to the palace to be his wife. She gives birth to the baby. The prophet Nathan says, "Dude, THE KING saw everything you just did, and is going to take away your throne and your name and family will be poo-poo for a long time." David immediately repents, and Nathan says, THE KING forgives you, but consequences still exist, even within forgiveness and grace - your baby will die. Ugh. I don't like that part either. Moving on, because I'm not really ready to dig into that theologically yet. 

As I kept reading, the next few chapters in 2 Samuel were full of messiness and weird family issues, and deep sin, followed by God's continued ability to use these losers for The Kingdom Restoration. Pretty much the whole Bible is just that. And I sat in the middle of Starbucks sipping my coconut milk latte with three ristretto shots and three honey's, my King said, "Cherie, if I can use king David for my glory, with all of his crap and messiness, I can use you. I never asked you for perfection. I just asked for your 'yes'. Stop trying to be everything. Stop trying to have it all together. You don't. It's obvious to you and to everyone around you. I just need you and your overwhelming imperfection." 

My. Overwhelming. Imperfection. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. I obviously am totally failing at most of what I do now. But this I know. My King uses the worst, the most lame, the least qualified, deeply ignorant, highly skilled in nothing-ness, sinful, broken people. I'm totally qualified for that. 

He calls me. I, with all my heart, all of me leaning in, tears streaming down my face, inadequacy tattoed on my forehead, BUT with Hope carved on my heart, say yes. 

That date with my husband was the best. 

The Dark Side

Today, I am deeply aware of my need for Jesus.

Marriage is tough. It is really hard work. It's not all kicks and giggles. And yesterday was tough, but this morning I need to deal with something in me - not my husband - in me. Ugh. Why is it always harder to look inward than to notice the failures of your spouse? Right!?! And then at the same time, I already know my weakness, and really don't want to talk about it right now - because it's blaring in my ears. Ain't nobody got time for dat. But......

So short back story. I was raised by parents who instilled in me a really high level of responsibility. Most of that is great, since there is a lot of different things to be responsible for when you walk forward as an adult - jobs, bills, children, continued education, cooking dinner (EVERY NIGHT - sobbing commences now), laundry, more laundry (for-ever....still sobbing), pets, grocery shopping, houses, yards, cars, gardens, doctor's visits and....well, pretty much most of life. Sobbing now continues in the fetal position in my bed. However, my personality took that good amount of responsibility and raised it a couple levels. A really high level of responsibility can be difficult within a marriage relationship.

Let me explain.

I tend to take on responsibility for everything I see and everyone I know. That's not a great thing. Add to that the pastor's wife component and then raise it by a church plant (definition: a new church started by people who love insanity, poverty, stress, and know nothing about business and administration). I'm laughing. It's ridiculous.

Every strength has within it a beautiful aspect as well as an equally dark side. The yucky side of an over-responsible characteristic is that it defers everyone else's strengths for a certain task, that they are qualified for, to the sideline, and decides to carry it alone. Did you read that?!? I, in my awesome horrible responsibility, take on everyone else's stuff, because I apparently can do it better alone. Why?

...................because I don't fully trust the King.................

What?!

I didn't say I don't love Him. And I didn't say that I don't want to fully trust Him. He is completely and utterly trustworthy. Why don't I fully trust Him, you ask? Ugh, I don't know. That's what I need to process this morning. Everything within me knows and has personally experienced that as I sit in the presence of my Savior, Jesus Christ, that there is no better place to be. He speaks worth over me that this world and the enemy cannot silence. He speaks Hope into the pits of despair that I didn't even know existed within me. He pours over me peace, and new insight, and gives me advice that can only come from His Divine Wisdom. So, why don't I fully trust Him.

Perhaps it's not that I don't fully trust Him - perhaps it's that I don't fully trust what He says about me. Hmm.

Are You sure, God, that You wanted me here, for such a time as this? Perhaps, someone else would have been a better choice.

Psalm 139:14 says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made - and it is surrounded by incredible scripture about how He watches, protects, loves, calls, and speaks with me. That means that I don't have strive to climb up the ladder to become wonderful or more amazing or more RESPONSIBLE for Him to love and enjoy me as His broken, but being constantly redeemed, creation.

People, it means that He thinks of me and loves me in my beautiful mess-ness!

It means that I don't have to fix a thing for Him to regard me as His! NOT that I don't want to lay my junk before Him and ask Him to speak healing over me and teach me new ways to love and new ways to lean into His redemption - even when it's hard. My over-responsible character needs Him - it needs Him to remind me that He is enough, and that I can never do enough, or reach high enough, or be cool enough to be perfect.......listen, I'd love to sometimes, though. But.....that's impossible - and ridiculously overrated.

I have to be brave and keep letting go. He knows me and knows that I struggle. He knows that I'm weak, and often can't handle all the responsibility that I have within me. He asks me to lay it down. And I am often even unsure of how to do that. Today, I have got to learn how. I've got to lean in and ask Him to teach me. I have to. It's my responsibility.....goodness.

Today, I have become deeply aware of my need for Jesus.

https://soundcloud.com/cherie-reiter/im-brave

Self Care

I am terrible at blogging.....obviously. But this year, I think I need to share more of my personal journey in ministry and life - I don't know who will read this. Perhaps it's just for me to write it out - kind of like a self-care kind of activity. So here goes....

I read this tonight after coming home from church, and I needed to read it.  This church planting thing is stinking hard. I have never cried so hard - fought so deeply - lost so much - loved so fearlessly - been so poor - received so much - revealed with transparency - bled profusely - been scarred deeply - challenged so obviously - begged so often - hoped each second - than I have in church planting. I needed to read this tonight.

Manifesto of the brave and brokenhearted
by Brene Brown

"There is no greater threat to the critics and cynics and fearmongers
Than those of us who are willing to fall
Because we have learned how to rise

With skinned knees and bruised hearts;
We choose owning our stories of struggle,
Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we run from struggle, we are never free.
So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories.
Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

We are the authors of our lives.
We write our own daring endings.

We craft love from heartbreak,
Compassion from shame,
Grace from disappointment,
Courage from failure.

Showing up is our power.
Story is our way home.
Truth is our song.
We are the brave and brokenhearted.

We are rising strong."

I needed to read this. My King has asked me to follow Him, and you better believe there have been countless moments where I asked Him to clarify His call in my life - because I would LOVE a touch more security.....a bit more "normal living". Not that I have a clue as to what "normal" looks like - because I'm pretty sure everyone in this life wishes for more of something and less of something else.

I had a conversation recently with my sister-in-law that hit me directly in the gut - she's good for me like that - she listed off a HUGE list of things that were expected of me as a women pastor or wife of a pastor, from discipling women and leading bible studies all the way down to a clean house ready for any and all activities as well as groomed and well-behaved children who are well versed in scripture and are brave and compassionate examples to friends around them. I was exhausted after she named off everything, but I couldn't stop nodding my head - because I felt and knew every single one of those expectation.......requirements........rules. Ugh.

I am exhausted. I love Jesus with all my heart. But is ministry really supposed to be like this. Everywhere I look from big churches to church plants every single woman in leadership is exhausted! Every. Single. One.

Okay, so hold on with me for a second.

Can I be deeply honest for a minute? I have grieved every single person who has left our church for one reason or another - GRIEVED. It is personal - always is. I have lamented and sorrowed and thought I should have done more - some of them even told me I should have done more. (The ugly cry happens here). I go back and forth in my head about why I am responsible......knowing that my responsible nature doesn't help at all in the conversation.

But here's where I feel like I'm beginning to grow.......tomorrow may be two steps back, but let's just keep it positive for a second. I feel like I need to LET GO of responsibility (cue "Let It Go" Frozen theme song). In scripture where Cain and Abel have fought and one kills the other - the living brother is asked where the dead brother is and he responds, "Am I my brother's keeper?"......well, we all know the answer! YES, yes you are. But here's where I've had the definition of being "my brother's keeper" incorrect. I have previously believed that definition to mean complete responsibility - for everything. Every choice and response and conversation and misunderstanding. But!!! I am only responsible for this - to LOVE them. This means I am to make sure they are seen, heard, welcomed and embraced. I cannot own their reaction to me, their reception of my welcome and embrace, or their choice to share their hearts or not. I cannot own whether they feel connected or not. I can only invite them in and love them the best I can.

People, I am a mom of three little hearts (9, 7, and 5). I am a wife of a church planter - people, that's tough enough right there - that's it's own blogpost. I am a worship leader - again, tough stuff. I teach piano lessons to 6 children every week, get up at 4am to be at work at Starbucks by 4:30am so I can work 5-6 hours and still be home in time for my kindergartner to get out of school at 11:30am. I have to figure out bills and dinner and make sure laundry is done and that the dog doesn't have worms. I have to take the dead fish from my daughter's fishtanks back to the store WITH the receipt and get it replaced. I need to help the kids with homework every night and make sure they practice their piano every day and get to soccer practice on time. I have to remember to put my youngest's feet braces on so the doctor will continue to see improvement. I SHOULD make time for the gym in the midst of all of this. I have to be creative to make every dollar stretch and remind my husband that he's appreciated because he works a FULL-TIME job outside of being a pastor FULL-TIME. And then some people think I didn't love them well enough. Ugh.

Sorry, that just all came out. No editing.

Ministry is hard but I know its where I'm supposed to be.

"We craft love from heartbreak,
Compassion from shame,
Grace from disappointment,
Courage from failure.

Showing up is our power.
Story is our way home.
Truth is our song.
We are the brave and brokenhearted.

We are rising strong."

Today I needed to read that.

Merry Christmas!

Note: This Christmas post is in place of a Christmas letter to all friends and family. We gave the money we would have spent in mailings and postage to Ryan and Angie Ketchum, missionaries in Cambodia.  Granted, we are related to them, but we wholeheartedly believe in them and what God is doing through them - and we thought you wouldn't mind less mail in light of where and who it went toward. So read on, oh lovely friends and family - and think of less mail to throw away while praying for Ryan and Angie and their 4 girls in Cambodia - check out their blog as well at http://www.familyketchum.blogspot.com/

Your Christmas letter (without the envelope or stamp)

What a year! 2011 has held an incredible amount of changes for us! God-changes. God-movement. God-vision.

We moved to Idaho the first part of this year, after a lot of prayer, to start a church. March 1st, we left a wonderful Nazarene congregation in Oak Harbor, Washington, with dear friends that we grew to love and cherish. We moved our belongings and our babies - our dogs too - and headed to Boise. We landed in Nampa for awhile as we watched rentals in the Northend for a perfect place to land. And as God would have it, he used a retired NNU professor and his family who needed to rent their daughter's home to bless us. We moved in August 1st into a quirky and awesome 1925 year old home. The floors creak, the ground is unlevel, and walls are cracked and parts of the home are just, well, old.  But we LOVE it! It is a perfect home for us and a wonderful place to begin this crazy journey!

We have already met amazing people in our neighborhood who have become quick friends. We are excited to see what is next and walk each day by faith. We meet once a week, if not more, with our planting partners, Chris and Camille Rodes. They are dear to us and we have cherished the team God has put together for such a time as this. Many people have commented on the fact that both guys in our team have the name Chris. If you take it further, the girls names both start with a C as well, so everyone of us have the same initials: CR. Weird, yes - but designed well! haha. The four of us "CR's", have finally put a launch date on our gatherings after a lot of conversation, prayer and continued faith. We will begin meeting Saturday evening January 28th. Please pray for us as we step forward in this.

The family is doing well. Chris is working at Sierra Trading Post. It is a retail job, and he'll tell you that's not his first calling, but because of the background and outdoor gear sales of Sierra, Chris is loving his job. Cherie is a stay at home mom with the three little ones, and continues to build relationships out in the community when she takes Abby, Micah and Samuel to weekly events at the Fort Boise Community Center.

Aloysia recently moved back to Oak Harbor from Pasco where she was helping with a new church ministry. She is working at Starbucks on Whidbey Island now and is working on finishing her degree and continuing to follow God's direction for her life. We love her and are proud of her and her heart to listen to God's voice.

Abby just turned 5 years old and has the creativity to prove it. She loves to sing and is so excited about going to school in the fall she can hardly stand it! She thinks that her little brothers are great, for the most part, and wants to help mom in the kitchen anytime she can. She is a handful of laughter and goofiness, and she'll sing a song for you that she makes up in her head on the spot, once she's past her initial shyness. We love her and love how she's growing up so sweet.

Micah is all boy! He loves Thomas the train and anything to do with the Disney movie Cars! He jumps and runs everywhere and makes noises for everything he touches. He loves his little brother and big sisters and think that mud is the funnest thing to play in. He is 3 1/2 years old and we cherish his precious heart and tender smile.

Samuel is walking! And doing an amazing job! He is 1 1/2 years old and all of his doctors and therapists say that he is nothing short of a miracle......ha, if they only realized. Samuel is our explorer. He loves the garbage can, the dirt in the plants, the stuff under the rug in the living room, and especially the water in the toilet bowl. I am constantly following him, wiping his hands, putting things back, and wondering where he is ALL at the SAME TIME. He is a wonderful miraculous ridiculously crazy-lovely boy! We love him and love telling his miraculous story. People still stop us in the store and on the street to meet little Samuel - for some reason he draws them - I just consider that he spent some serious face time with his Creator, and it shows.

We are blessed. Blessed, I say! We are still raising support to survive, but somehow, every month the Lord shows up in amazing ways, and we are left speechless and grateful. Our bills continue to be paid on time. We have food on the table, and our cars have gas in them. We are rich in faith, deep in love with each other, and wealthy in relationships.

When God calls, we choose to listen and obey. And as we continue to walk forward in joys and even in days of sadness, we know that God is still God in our sorrows and our miracles. We hope that this season, you experience God-miracles and God-joys. May you know that we love you from the deepest part of our hearts, and may you realize that today, you are cherished and passionately loved by God, the king of Kings, whom is the reason why we say, Merry Christmas!

Our new house

http://homesite.obeo.com/Viewer/Default.aspx?tourid=454447&RefURL=http%3a%2f%2fwww.google.com%2furl%3fsa%3dt%26source%3dweb%26cd%3d7%26ved%3d0CDoQFjAG%26url%3dhttp%3a%2f%2fhomesite.obeo.com%2f454447%26rct%3dj%26q%3d422+Thatcher+images+Boise+ID%26ei%3dRJ0lTruqGIOcsQOKsJn1CA%26usg%3dAFQjCNEdRx_ejeZIlqlsuYgbZqYPQHyt8g

We are so excited to finally be moving to the Northend of Boise Idaho.  We have been in Nampa Idaho since March 2, 2011 and have left half of our house packed in boxes out in the garage with the faith and trust that God would open a home for us in His perfect time.  He did, and we love what He provided! The house we will be renting is owned by a couple that used to work at NNU, and God was working out all the details before we even knew that!

We will be moving to the Northend on August 1 and joining our partner family in this church plant. The Rodes family (Chris, Camille, Elijah, Gracie, and Lucy) have already settled in their home in the Northend on Harrison Blvd. and we can't wait to join them! We know God has some great days ahead!

Hope you enjoy the pictures!

I can't keep up!

Wow! It's almost the end of May and there's so much that has happened!  We are finally in Idaho - we arrived with a Uhaul and a very-packed minivan on March 2.  We were blessed to have a house open up 5 days before we arrived.....a total God-thing! It's in Nampa, which is not where we want to plant the church, but the target area is now only 30 minutes away compared to 12 hours! So I'm saying that's just fine for now!

We have half-unpacked, and are going through a lot of our stuff to "de-clutter".  We want to make sure that WHEN we find a house for rent in our price range in the north end we will be able to move as simply and easily as possible.  Plus, we've begun to hear God's call to simplify and cut the "fat" from our lives.

We're still fundraising for half of our income and are at about 33% of our goal. In April God took care of the employment income that we need as well - Chris got hired at Sierra Trading Post and has enjoyed it a lot.  He's a closet gear nerd, so this is right up his alley!  He'll deny that he knows that much about stuff, but if you ask him one question about Merrell shoes, well, you've taken a very long and detailed road down that conversation!

Anyway, the kiddos are getting bigger.  Samuel is 10 months now and doing his best to crawl - he loves the army crawl, but can't quite figure out how to get on all fours yet!  Micah is finally completely potty-trained......enough said! :) Abigail is becoming quite the little 4 year old artist....she learned from daddy today how to draw a tummy on a stick figure. It was her thrill of the day! And Aloysia is moving to Pasco, WA soon to help a couple of our dear friends in their church plant.  She is excited and anxious about it!  We think it's a great decision as she follows God's call on her life!

Well, for the grandparents, here's a couple pix of the kiddos. :) We went to the Boise zoo the other day and enjoyed some fun and blessed sunshine!  Thanks for your prayers everyone - we feel them and know God continues to open doors toward this north end church plant endeavor!

Preparation, preparation, preparation

We have had a very productive last couple of days.  Thanks to our boss in Oak Harbor, we were given the chance to take some time away from our current jobs to head to Boise to do some house hunting and job hunting. We packed up all three kiddos and headed to Idaho with a list of houses for sale and for rent, and a list of jobs available. We found a cheap hotel in Nampa - only $41 a night, and booked it for 3 nights. We arrived at the hotel LATE Sunday night (1am) after driving through very thick fog for the last 3 hours of the 12 hour drive. We were very grateful to arrive unscathed.

Monday morning we awoke with excitement about being in a stage of preparation for this church plant. It always feels good to be proactive about a God-calling. So we drove to Boise, to the north end, and began our hunt. We had a couple appointments with some property managers at different rentals to check them out. We found one that we just fell in love with - it was perfect in every way imaginable. As we spoke with the manager, we shared a few comments about our faith and why we were coming. She shared about her church in the area, Calvary Chapel, and we told her we had gone to that exact church a number of times and really enjoyed it. While we shared God's calling on our lives with her, she began to ask about jobs. We told her about aquiring jobs and fundraising part of our income as well while we were in the infant stages of the church plant. We let her know that was our reason for being here - to find a home and a job. I felt her spirit sink a little and knew something was up. She sadly let us know that because we didn't have current jobs in the area, that she could not rent us that home - she said, "If my husband and I owned this, we would rent to you in a heartbeat, especially knowing what God's calling you to do.  But we don't.  My husband and I own our business together, and I'll call him to ask what he thinks, but I don't know if this will work."  So we waited. The phone call came about 20 minutes later with the disappointing news that the home would not be available to us because of our situation.

Feeling discouraged, we moved on. We found another house for rent a little bit further away from where we'd like to be, but decided to put an application in on it. We found out quickly that housing in the north end is like diamonds - everyone wants one if not two, so we knew God had to be a part of this process as well as everything else we are doing. We ran into a couple friends at REI while Chris was asking about a job there who reminded us that God knows our needs, financially and physically (home, jobs), and when we need them and where they need to be. So we choose to trust. I needed to be reminded of that.....again.

We spent the rest of that day applying for EVERY job we could think of.  And even had a couple friends call us with options for jobs they had heard of, and we applied for those too!  We have yet to hear back from anyone of them, although its only been 24 hours, but most of the jobs have applications online that we filled out, so we're asking God to get those into the appropriate hands. Chris even turned in one more application in person this morning before we got on the road. We are hoping to hear from some of them when we arrive home, of which we are on the road as I'm typing this (about Tri-Cities area).  We should arrive home in Oak Harbor tonight around 11pm or midnight.

So here's where we stand: We are still in the process of fundraising, and have raised $160 a month so far. - we started fundraising right before Christmas. Our goal is to raise monthly support for 2 years from sponsors amounting to $2200-$2500 a month - that will be added to the income we earn from our community jobs. We are asking God as well to direct us toward jobs that will work around each other so our number 3 priorities, our children (number 1 being God, number 2 being each other and our marriage) are able to be raised by us within our home.

God is faithful to guide us, and we are aiming our sights at Him and His adventurous calling on our lives. This is where we continue on......