Where Forgiveness Lives

Tonight, I feel the good kind of tired. Like my day was filled with beneficial stuff from the heart of God for His creation and people. It wasn't my doing, though. Never is. I've been around long enough to know that when I try and pull up my own boot straps and "save the world", one of the straps inevitable ends up snapping on one side causing my awkward self to swagger, which results in a face plant of some sort. Seriously, it's happened - figuratively and maybe literally as well. If you know me well at all, perhaps you've witnessed Cherie-style face plants. Sorry about that.

Today, though, the King's voice was....is....seriously near. It's like I'm finally learning His intonation and rise and fall of His heartbeat well enough to hear Him speak to me moment by moment. It's what my heart has longed for - but it's something I had to learn. He's been speaking to me since my ears and heart were created, I just had to learn His voice. I wish I would have learned it this well a long time ago. And I still have a long way to go in my heart/ear-training.

Chris and I sat with dear friends this afternoon. They are fairly new to Jacob's Well Church and have asked us for pre-marriage counseling. Chris and I especially love this part of our job in ministry, because we get to pour out wisdom, grace and love onto another couple, that our mentors poured into us at that stage of our engagement. A good dynamic marriage is a big deal (and super rare), and couples with those kinds of marriages know that it takes a lot of effort, preparation, understanding, grace, and a butt ton of forgiveness. We committed to work for a dynamic marriage from the very beginning, and long to help others toward the same hope and goal.

One of the things that our pre-marriage counselor, Gary Waller, asked Chris and I to do was one of the most healing things for us. By the way - you know you have a great pre-marriage counselor when they stay committed to walking with you past your wedding day - to call on, to ask help from, to check in with, and so forth. We still meet with Gary more than once a year to see how Chris and I can continue to dig in and grow together in our covenant to each other. We learned that from him as well - to stay connected to those we counsel - because even marriage takes a village. 

Gary asked us to do what Chris and I would deem The Forgiveness Exercise. As he described it, I actually remember thinking, "Eh, that's not too terribly difficult." Boy, was I completely wrong! What he asked us to do was to find a time where Chris and I could be alone somewhere quiet without people around. We were to sit knees to knees, facing each other, and reveal our broken baggage and dark sin from past relationships and even from our current happening relationship. We were to speak of the sin to the other, and then ask forgiveness for it. Then the other would do the same. We would follow that in prayer, individually and out loud, asking the Grace Giver to hear our repentant hearts and forgive us, while asking Him to help us walk forward in a new way, with new eyes and a new heart.

Goodness. My heart was splayed out, knot in my throat, swollen eyes from impending tears, broken and ashamed in front of Chris. I had displayed and pushed into the light the darkest parts of who I was and what I held as secrets or shame, and asked for forgiveness from my fiancé for all of it. And then I did the same to the Creator and King of my heart. Now don't go all weird on me - this was actually a beautiful exercise. It wasn't meant to shame the other while giving credence and new voice to past and current sins. Instead, it was meant to silence that voice. To tell it, "No more". Forgiveness lives here. Where forgiveness lives, transformation happens.

Then it was Chris' turn. Something deep began happening as we went through The Forgiveness Exercise. I started to heal, to transform. The deep down, "I didn't know that part was broken", kind of healing. Things that had been shadowed, rattled and undone in me, squeamish and bleeding, were bandaged and cleaned out - forced into the Light. They were wrapped with clean gauze for the first time and Kingdom ointment was poured over them. It wasn't a toxin release from crying. No this was a heart cleanse. A God-sees-me-and-loves-me-still-yet moment, and so does Chris. 

Don't get me wrong, that was not an overnight fix. Chris and I spent a lot of time learning to forgive each other beyond that day, and The Forgiveness Exercise was only the beginning. We hope this couple that we spoke with today will use the exercise as often as Chris and I do - forgiveness is the second most needed commodity in marriage. Right under the number one need for God to be at the center of the relationship. 

The King's voice was so precious to me today. He reminded me that when I listen in to His heart for me, forgiveness is always written in between the lines. It lives in His words. He speaks it over me every time we talk. And if I continue to listen, then when I speak, He can use the same language spoken over me, to come out of my mouth to those I speak to. Because, forgiveness is not my native language. But I know where Forgiveness lives.

The Great Hall

I sat with a cup of Casi Cielo coffee looking out into the yard this morning. We have this perfect little round table - the tall bistro table kind that I got for a steal from craigslist when we first moved to Boise. I sat on the wood stool and propped my elbows on the table's edge cupping my coffee between two hands. In front of me was my bible. I had it opened to Psalm 119.

Chris sat next to me with his coffee and his bible as well. He had finished having his time with Jesus on his own, and we had even talked over our weekend conferences that we attended. God had reminded us of a number of things we needed to step forward in faith for during our times apart this weekend. The Holy Spirit also spoke to us individually about the same things - new things we needed to learn.

Chris' eyes closed as he started to pray out loud. He named the people in our church, and people in our neighborhood - people that we love - asking God to help them, encourage them, and lift them up. He asked Jesus to draw them in - to renew and restore them. He asked God to give us courage, and grow us as a family called to this city - and to help us trust Him for our needs.

Then as he finished, I began. I read Psalm 119, verses 10-49. I prayed out changing all of the I's in those verses to we's. It seemed to fit. To fit where we were this morning and where we were headed. Just Chris and I and the King.

I love moments like this.

There's something about simply being in the Presence of the King of kings at my round bistro table with my coffee in hand and a book full of words that point toward His heart.

Have you tried it recently? To talk to Him? It's so worth it.

When I close my eyes to speak to God, I feel as if the small space I'm in opens up and I am suddenly in this Great Hall, just the King and me. He's always smiling when my eyes find Him in the expansive space. Always. It's like He's been waiting for me. Nobody has ever told me what I'm supposed to "experience" when I'm praying. I was taught as a child that praying was a way to simply talk to God. That's totally true. He talks back too. But this sort of way I meet with the King is always amazing to me.

He fixes me. He can fix my heart with only a few moments of stepping toward Him. I walk in, distraught, frustrated, and exhausted, and within seconds, my heart relaxes, and I begin to hope again. That's the best. To hope again.

I'm never afraid in His Presence. Not ever. Nothing in me is ashamed or bashful. I can hardly wait to talk to Him - even if I've done something wrong. Because He's ready. He's always ready for me. He can hardly wait for me to talk and then longs to respond and speak to me. Well, I guess there's times He wants me to just listen - and not talk. I'm thankful for His patience too.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Perhaps because it was just a Great Hall kind of morning with my King. Those mornings shape me. I'm changed and continually transformed as a result of those conversations. I need more of them.

Date with Imperfection

I went on a Valentine's date with my husband on Friday night. It was a great date......full of laughter, really great food, my favorite companion, and my children were at the babysitters (every mother everywhere slightly cheers inside at that last statement). Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children - they are amazing little humans, but I love them better when I get a chance to be with my husband at Mai Thai restaurant with coffee in hand every couple of months. It's a proven science. Plus, my parents always told me from my earliest growing up years, that after I married the man God would gift me with, I needed to remember to continue to date him - because everything goes down when mommy and daddy aren't in love with each other. Word.

So the evening was probably one of my favorites with my husband. This last week my emotions have been a bit raw. Okay, for the last year they have been raw, but that's for a post down the road entitled, "Talking Yourself Out Of Ministry In Four Steps", followed by the next post which will be called, "But God Still Calls". 

My husband drove up to the train depot which looks out over the beautifully lit downtown Boise. The cloudy night sky was glowing a bit from the city lights. Chris turned to me and asked, "So, what do you want to do with our lives?". A funny and completely perfect question for me that evening. Hilarious, because we're doing exactly what God has birthed in our hearts over the last 5 years, and equally daunting, because there was some digging that my husband was asking me to do within myself. 

I chuckled. Then I started to cry.

Simple tears, not too quickly....but just enough. No ugly cry for this conversation, but the kind of tears that were from deep within, from a guarded place. 

"I don't know.....(25 minutes of talking all of this through with him)...But I know He can use my overwhelming imperfections for something in the Kingdom." I told him about my earlier time with Jesus that day. I had left the house after he had come home from his run - he had the day off, which was a blessing. I needed to go be by myself. I knew hormones were not helping my state of mind, and I needed to be okay by the time our date came, so I needed to get away with my Creator - because Jesus always makes things better. Although sometimes He just makes thing more complicated - can I get an Amen?! 

I had stolen away to Starbucks, because coffee is one of my love languages, and Jesus speaks to me pretty well in that language. So as I sat and opened His Word (the Bible), I told Him I didn't know where to read. I had been reading in Isaiah, but I had only been reading there because that was the next book in line - I was reading through the Bible. But I didn't want to read there anymore, and that meant that I wasn't going to finish reading through the Bible in the right order. *Back Story - my parents are amazing people, and taught my brother and I from a young age to dig into God's Word. It's a beautiful and amazing story of God's grace and love for us, and how deeply humanity fights His grace and love, but really should just realize the depth of His grace and love, and receive and embrace it. It really is amazing. Anyway, my parents had us reading through the Bible every year from a very young age. If you do 2 chapters in the Old Testament and 1 in the New Testament, it gets you through in 1 year. However, when you add that rhythm or discipline into a radically over-responsible person (me), it becomes a rule....and rules become daunting and legalistic, and sometimes even, well, ugh.....

Here I sat with my Bible opened to Isaiah. I started to journal. And it was the raw kind of journaling - "I am terrible at this, Lord. I cannot do this. I'm doing nothing well - not parenting, not wife-ing, not ministry, not any of it. Please help me." That kind of journaling. 

So I closed the book of Isaiah, and did what any good Christian does - the flip trick - you just open the Bible and wherever it opens is where you read. Yep, I know, you've done that too. It's okay. He still speaks. 

So guess where I flipped it - to 2 Samuel chapter 11. It's the part of the book where David, who is currently the king, ends up sleeping with Bathsheba, a beautiful already-married woman, and he gets her pregnant. Long story short, king David has her husband killed in battle because David knows he's totally messed up, and he needs to cover his tracks. The thing is, you can't hide your junk from THE KING. Just sayin'. After she's grieved for her husband, king David has her brought to the palace to be his wife. She gives birth to the baby. The prophet Nathan says, "Dude, THE KING saw everything you just did, and is going to take away your throne and your name and family will be poo-poo for a long time." David immediately repents, and Nathan says, THE KING forgives you, but consequences still exist, even within forgiveness and grace - your baby will die. Ugh. I don't like that part either. Moving on, because I'm not really ready to dig into that theologically yet. 

As I kept reading, the next few chapters in 2 Samuel were full of messiness and weird family issues, and deep sin, followed by God's continued ability to use these losers for The Kingdom Restoration. Pretty much the whole Bible is just that. And I sat in the middle of Starbucks sipping my coconut milk latte with three ristretto shots and three honey's, my King said, "Cherie, if I can use king David for my glory, with all of his crap and messiness, I can use you. I never asked you for perfection. I just asked for your 'yes'. Stop trying to be everything. Stop trying to have it all together. You don't. It's obvious to you and to everyone around you. I just need you and your overwhelming imperfection." 

My. Overwhelming. Imperfection. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. I obviously am totally failing at most of what I do now. But this I know. My King uses the worst, the most lame, the least qualified, deeply ignorant, highly skilled in nothing-ness, sinful, broken people. I'm totally qualified for that. 

He calls me. I, with all my heart, all of me leaning in, tears streaming down my face, inadequacy tattoed on my forehead, BUT with Hope carved on my heart, say yes. 

That date with my husband was the best. 

The Dark Side

Today, I am deeply aware of my need for Jesus.

Marriage is tough. It is really hard work. It's not all kicks and giggles. And yesterday was tough, but this morning I need to deal with something in me - not my husband - in me. Ugh. Why is it always harder to look inward than to notice the failures of your spouse? Right!?! And then at the same time, I already know my weakness, and really don't want to talk about it right now - because it's blaring in my ears. Ain't nobody got time for dat. But......

So short back story. I was raised by parents who instilled in me a really high level of responsibility. Most of that is great, since there is a lot of different things to be responsible for when you walk forward as an adult - jobs, bills, children, continued education, cooking dinner (EVERY NIGHT - sobbing commences now), laundry, more laundry (for-ever....still sobbing), pets, grocery shopping, houses, yards, cars, gardens, doctor's visits and....well, pretty much most of life. Sobbing now continues in the fetal position in my bed. However, my personality took that good amount of responsibility and raised it a couple levels. A really high level of responsibility can be difficult within a marriage relationship.

Let me explain.

I tend to take on responsibility for everything I see and everyone I know. That's not a great thing. Add to that the pastor's wife component and then raise it by a church plant (definition: a new church started by people who love insanity, poverty, stress, and know nothing about business and administration). I'm laughing. It's ridiculous.

Every strength has within it a beautiful aspect as well as an equally dark side. The yucky side of an over-responsible characteristic is that it defers everyone else's strengths for a certain task, that they are qualified for, to the sideline, and decides to carry it alone. Did you read that?!? I, in my awesome horrible responsibility, take on everyone else's stuff, because I apparently can do it better alone. Why?

...................because I don't fully trust the King.................

What?!

I didn't say I don't love Him. And I didn't say that I don't want to fully trust Him. He is completely and utterly trustworthy. Why don't I fully trust Him, you ask? Ugh, I don't know. That's what I need to process this morning. Everything within me knows and has personally experienced that as I sit in the presence of my Savior, Jesus Christ, that there is no better place to be. He speaks worth over me that this world and the enemy cannot silence. He speaks Hope into the pits of despair that I didn't even know existed within me. He pours over me peace, and new insight, and gives me advice that can only come from His Divine Wisdom. So, why don't I fully trust Him.

Perhaps it's not that I don't fully trust Him - perhaps it's that I don't fully trust what He says about me. Hmm.

Are You sure, God, that You wanted me here, for such a time as this? Perhaps, someone else would have been a better choice.

Psalm 139:14 says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made - and it is surrounded by incredible scripture about how He watches, protects, loves, calls, and speaks with me. That means that I don't have strive to climb up the ladder to become wonderful or more amazing or more RESPONSIBLE for Him to love and enjoy me as His broken, but being constantly redeemed, creation.

People, it means that He thinks of me and loves me in my beautiful mess-ness!

It means that I don't have to fix a thing for Him to regard me as His! NOT that I don't want to lay my junk before Him and ask Him to speak healing over me and teach me new ways to love and new ways to lean into His redemption - even when it's hard. My over-responsible character needs Him - it needs Him to remind me that He is enough, and that I can never do enough, or reach high enough, or be cool enough to be perfect.......listen, I'd love to sometimes, though. But.....that's impossible - and ridiculously overrated.

I have to be brave and keep letting go. He knows me and knows that I struggle. He knows that I'm weak, and often can't handle all the responsibility that I have within me. He asks me to lay it down. And I am often even unsure of how to do that. Today, I have got to learn how. I've got to lean in and ask Him to teach me. I have to. It's my responsibility.....goodness.

Today, I have become deeply aware of my need for Jesus.

https://soundcloud.com/cherie-reiter/im-brave