Today, I am deeply aware of my need for Jesus.
Marriage is tough. It is really hard work. It's not all kicks and giggles. And yesterday was tough, but this morning I need to deal with something in me - not my husband - in me. Ugh. Why is it always harder to look inward than to notice the failures of your spouse? Right!?! And then at the same time, I already know my weakness, and really don't want to talk about it right now - because it's blaring in my ears. Ain't nobody got time for dat. But......
So short back story. I was raised by parents who instilled in me a really high level of responsibility. Most of that is great, since there is a lot of different things to be responsible for when you walk forward as an adult - jobs, bills, children, continued education, cooking dinner (EVERY NIGHT - sobbing commences now), laundry, more laundry (for-ever....still sobbing), pets, grocery shopping, houses, yards, cars, gardens, doctor's visits and....well, pretty much most of life. Sobbing now continues in the fetal position in my bed. However, my personality took that good amount of responsibility and raised it a couple levels. A really high level of responsibility can be difficult within a marriage relationship.
Let me explain.
I tend to take on responsibility for everything I see and everyone I know. That's not a great thing. Add to that the pastor's wife component and then raise it by a church plant (definition: a new church started by people who love insanity, poverty, stress, and know nothing about business and administration). I'm laughing. It's ridiculous.
Every strength has within it a beautiful aspect as well as an equally dark side. The yucky side of an over-responsible characteristic is that it defers everyone else's strengths for a certain task, that they are qualified for, to the sideline, and decides to carry it alone. Did you read that?!? I, in my awesome horrible responsibility, take on everyone else's stuff, because I apparently can do it better alone. Why?
...................because I don't fully trust the King.................
I didn't say I don't love Him. And I didn't say that I don't want to fully trust Him. He is completely and utterly trustworthy. Why don't I fully trust Him, you ask? Ugh, I don't know. That's what I need to process this morning. Everything within me knows and has personally experienced that as I sit in the presence of my Savior, Jesus Christ, that there is no better place to be. He speaks worth over me that this world and the enemy cannot silence. He speaks Hope into the pits of despair that I didn't even know existed within me. He pours over me peace, and new insight, and gives me advice that can only come from His Divine Wisdom. So, why don't I fully trust Him.
Perhaps it's not that I don't fully trust Him - perhaps it's that I don't fully trust what He says about me. Hmm.
Are You sure, God, that You wanted me here, for such a time as this? Perhaps, someone else would have been a better choice.
Psalm 139:14 says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made - and it is surrounded by incredible scripture about how He watches, protects, loves, calls, and speaks with me. That means that I don't have strive to climb up the ladder to become wonderful or more amazing or more RESPONSIBLE for Him to love and enjoy me as His broken, but being constantly redeemed, creation.
People, it means that He thinks of me and loves me in my beautiful mess-ness!
It means that I don't have to fix a thing for Him to regard me as His! NOT that I don't want to lay my junk before Him and ask Him to speak healing over me and teach me new ways to love and new ways to lean into His redemption - even when it's hard. My over-responsible character needs Him - it needs Him to remind me that He is enough, and that I can never do enough, or reach high enough, or be cool enough to be perfect.......listen, I'd love to sometimes, though. But.....that's impossible - and ridiculously overrated.
I have to be brave and keep letting go. He knows me and knows that I struggle. He knows that I'm weak, and often can't handle all the responsibility that I have within me. He asks me to lay it down. And I am often even unsure of how to do that. Today, I have got to learn how. I've got to lean in and ask Him to teach me. I have to. It's my responsibility.....goodness.
Today, I have become deeply aware of my need for Jesus.