Scarred Warrior

Do you hear it?

There is something in the air. It hasn't fully blown through....but it has started....perhaps it won't ever end. That feeling that the King of kings is still up to something. He is still up to something wonderful, something fantastic.

I keep wondering when it will fully arrive.

I have seen His hand move in beautiful ways over the last 5 years since we started the Jacob's Well journey. We have watched God provide in big and small ways - $25.00-$1000.00 checks showing up when we needed them and were on the last coins in the bank, bills being forgiven, cars and clothes that lasted beyond their time, housing that suited our needs for shelter and hospitality, food showing up on our front porch when no one knew the cupboards were empty, and friends that said they would walk with us the whole way through church planting..........but there's something else coming.

He's at work, and I can't see His hand beyond this moment, but His movement is causing goosebumps in my heart.

Do you see their faces? The lifeless lack of heartbeat that's written on some of their foreheads. The champion of empty drained out purposes, the ruler of the dream stealers, the dark king of death thinks he is winning........but he is only flailing loudly because he knows the King is raising up bravehearts.....those that aren't afraid of bearing Kingly Light in the darkness. I am one of them, clothed with a robe that is written over with 'Daughter of the King'. I am being called to breathe out Kings-breath on them.

Do you feel it too? Without knowing the full scope of what's ahead, He's asking me to listen in closer. He's asking me to leave the shadows behind that I found so secure and guarded, and to step into the full Light of His strength, cast aside all fear, and speak peace, compassion, hope, and bravery to the millions of faces that walk past me every day. Of course, this is all within the perfect timing of His leading alone, which I continue to learn.....since we already talked about my instinctive, broken and quick ability to challenge everyone before the King even says to say anything. Patience friends.....I'm a grace-full work in progress.

Chris and I talked today about becoming mature - we concluded that too often we use the word "mature" as an end in itself, when instead it is a continuous state of becoming. No one is ever done maturing.....well, unless they choose to stop and just cycle in their current state of mind. In the Kingdom of the One who calls us toward constant release and deep hope, we won't ever stop growing.......unless we turn from His lead and choose to become stagnant......I don't want that...ever.

Psalm 51:10-17

  10Create in me a clean heart, O God.

Renew a loyal spirit within me.

11Do not banish me from your presence,

and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

12Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and make me willing to obey you.

13Then I will teach your ways to rebels,

and they will return to you.

14Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;

then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.

15Unseal my lips, O Lord,

that my mouth may praise you.

16You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.

You do not want a burnt offering.

17The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.

You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

I have written of weakness and broken parts of my life and story. I am not without wounds....still. Warriors are not defined by the lack of their scars, but by the way the scars were healed. I know of only One that heals them from the inside out.....beautifully well. If the scars I carry define anything about me.....may it be that I ran as quickly as my bloodied knees and bruised hands could take me straight to the King of kings, and that once there, He laid my brokenness aside and made me beautiful.

Scarred warrior princess at your service, my Lord.

Do you hear it?

I Keep Dying

Ready.....ugh...okay?

This journey with Jesus is no joke. It has ruined me and caused me significant heartache, both in beautiful ways and in really difficult ways. I have been so continuously pruned and cut apart that I'm not sure there's much of me left....which I think is the point. I keep dying to different chunks of myself that I thought I needed.....parts that I thought defined how I was supposed to be as a Jesus-follower, how I was supposed to think, how I was supposed to love.

So I keep dying, which is really hard, and I don't like it, but I do it........for the King......

Totally makes sense, huh?! Ha.

I called my brother yesterday morning. It was one of those phone calls that I could only have with him. I didn't have to explain my way of thinking or the filter that I grew up with or the way current ministry and life situations were shaping my heart and brain processing. He just knew.

I sobbed as I told him my morning conversation with my husband. It was a rough one. There weren't any raised voices....in fact, I didn't speak at all....I just listened. My husband had come toward me with beauty, grace, gentle challenge, invitation and lovely caution......he knew it would hit me hard. And it did.

What was the conversation? Well, it was regarding me and my personality and my constant "challenge" of others - that I continuously call everyone toward integrity, and right decisions, and Kingdom courage, and honorable choices, and repentance, and change, and growth. All of this is good.....but Chris' gentle challenge toward me was that not all of it is good for every single conversation with every single person. Every. Single. Time.

I am a strong woman. I am stubborn about lots of things and wildly passionate about Jesus. I am a "Ready, FIRE, Aim" kind of personality and I don't like slow decisions or having to wait for forward movement....that movement should have been done last week, people! And Jesus called us to be church planters (ugly cry and uncontrollable laughter here)! Definition of church planting: noun: A SLOW insane adventure/call that takes immense patience, unfathomable trust, lots of time, SLOW relationship building, SLOW decisions, SLOW progress, alongside crazy fast character growth from God-pruning. 

Being a pastor in a church plant situation gives me beautiful access to lots of new relationships, and those relationships turned friendships usually end up coming to Chris and I with "stuff" that we can pour into, counsel and help......and most of the time, my first reaction is to act responsibly and make sure they hear the next "obvious" step......because obviously I have everything in life figured out. Ha!

This is a VERY real weakness in me.........lame sauce.

So back to my brother, Ryan, and our conversation. I brought up the example of a shepherd and sheep and that the shepherd helps the sheep get to where they need to go. He agreed, but had questions for me about how a shepherd does that.....and what about the ones that wander off? I also shared the story of Jesus at the well, Jacob's Well, with the Samaritan women, and how He called her to a new life, a changed life. My brother asked, "That's a great example of Jesus. How did Jesus do that with her?"

I began to cry again as I answered. "Well," I said, "He offered her Living Water (Himself), which would result in a life that was transformed by His grace and restoration. He invited her toward healing, and beautifully challenged her current lifestyle, because Jesus can do that so well, and then He let her choose...."

He invited. He offered. He graced. He challenged. He gave her the choice. And then He waited.

More tears. So I keep dying, which is really hard, and I don't like it, but I do it........for the King......

Chris is a person of invitation. I am a person of challenge. Together is where the magic happens, though. Our hope is to continue toward the beautiful and messy dance of bringing those two gifts together by allowing the King to shape our gifts, heal our weaknesses, challenge us toward healing, and listen to His lead. That dance is really hard to learn. We've got the first 8 steps figured out......the rest of the dance we are still learning. So I keep dying so I can learn the rest.

Ryan texted me after our conversation with healing words. "It is for freedom He has set us free. But I know what you mean....I'm impatient too. Want things to change now! The thing is....He's called us on a journey. And it's maybe not as much about the timetable (or even the destination) as it is that we are simply ON the journey. Whether with solid or faltering steps or not. On the journey....that's what He wants. And that's what you are on, my dear sis. You are on the journey! Rest. In. Him."

This journey with Jesus is no joke. It has ruined me and caused me significant heartache, both in beautiful ways and in really difficult ways. I have been so continuously pruned and cut apart that I'm not sure there's much of me left....which I think is the point. I keep dying to different chunks of myself that I thought I needed.....parts that I thought defined how I was supposed to be as a Jesus-follower, how I was supposed to think, how I was supposed to love. With the removal of more of me, I am beginning to catch glimpses that there may be a simpler place for me - a place to breathe in and out and find rest in who I am in His shadow.....all He is asking me to DO is respond to His invitation and He will DO the rest.

So I keep dying.